you are enough

The underlying message our negative reel consistently relays back to us is:

you are not ___________ enough (don’t worry, your negative reel will fill in the blank for you).

This repetitive dialog perpetuates fears that we will fail, be rejected, humiliated and abandoned which keeps us from trusting our abilities and moving forward (or in any direction for that matter). We begin to believe that voice without question, without hesitation, so that it becomes so familiar that we don’t even recognize we’ve been shit talking ourselves all these years.

Once we embrace the belief that there is something wrong with us, we begin to act on that belief. We hold ourselves back, convince ourselves that change isn’t worth the effort, and stay on autopilot because planning for a life of misery is less terrifying than taking a leap of faith into the unknown.

Our brains don’t like change because the endless possible outcomes and potential risks are so unpredictable that we cannot prepare enough to counteract all the different ways we may fail. So we do nothing because if we don’t try, then we can’t fail. And this makes us feel like we are in control.

But we know that we’re never fully in control of any outcome and there are a million different ways that any situation can play out. When we acknowledge that fact, it actually gives us permission to shift our perspective and start to quiet down our negative reel.

In reality we don’t know what life has in store for us, no matter how “prepared” we may think we may be, so there’s no control to hold on to. The last few years of the pandemic has highlighted this fact for us. We are not in control. We never have been and we never will be.

So if there’s no control, then where can we find our security?

The answer is: in ourselves.

We must be the ones to believe in our own abilities. We must be the ones to define our own worthiness or else we allow others to define this for us – still leaving us out of control. The only true control we have is over ourselves and that starts with our thoughts, which then determines how we feel about ourselves, which then sets the foundation for our actions.

Our negative reel will tell us that we are not enough because of our flaws and lack of ability. But if we can accept that as humans we have flaws and shortcomings AND can still be enough, then we can start to quiet down our negative reels.

When we start to trust that we have the ability to adapt, change, and meet the challenges of this uncontrollable life, then we can release the fear of failure. We can even shift our definition of failure completely. The incredible effort it takes to trust that we possess what it takes to do the hard work means that we aren’t failing even if the outcome isn’t what we hoped for.

The first step is to know that WE ARE ENOUGH – flaws, mistakes, poor decisions, addictions and all. We are unique, complicated works-in-progress. When we shift our perspective from thinking that there’s something wrong with us to knowing that we have the strength to work on and overcome our weaknesses, then we can give ourselves the time, patience, and grace to take our first steps on our healing journey.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You have just found your work” – Rabbi Mordecai Finley, the rich roll podcast

So if you need help identifying and quieting down your negative reel, check out our tools page. These are the tools we have used, and keep coming back to, when our negative reels decide to pop back in. And as you take your first steps in this difficult journey, remind yourself:

“There is nothing wrong with me. I have just found my work. I am enough.”

With love,

Ming-Wai + Ming-Cee

Reprinted with permission

ming + ming

our tools for the negative reel

If you are having a hard time letting go of the limiting idea that there is something wrong with you or that you are broken and need fixing, then you are not alone.

Let us repeat this, you are not alone.

If you are reading this right now, know that there is a whole community here at ming+ming struggling, supporting each other, and trying new tools to help shift how we speak to ourselves from harsh judgment and disappointment to love and compassion.

When we discover and acknowledge our negative reel, it also comes with accepting our flaws and shortcomings. It’s in this first crucial step of recognizing our negative reel that we address what we say and how we talk to ourselves all the time. And it’s with this new understanding that we are able to find the tools we need to help ourselves improve, shift, and change.

“If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them. If you argue for those limits, they’re yours.”

- Jim Kwik on the On Purpose podcast with Jay Shetty (Feb 3, 2020)

As with all our tools, this podcast helped us loosen our grip on our limiting beliefs and the facades we have built around them. It shifts our perspectives that have been taught to us, ingrained into us, and validated through decades of cultural “norms.”

The objective for sharing our tools is to give you an alternative to something you’ve only known. Our tools have given us the ability to shift our perspectives, give us the courage to try something new and provide us with hope that change is absolutely possible and within our control.

These are the tools that have helped us identify our negative reels and to start quieting them down. We would love to hear your feedback on these tools if you have tried them. Please share your stories in the comment section below.

Ming-Cee’s tools include:

• social media detox

• podcasts and TED talks (Jim Kwik, Mel Robbins + Marisa Peer)

• meditation class + yoga for sleep

Ming-Wai's tools include:

• crystals

• reiki

• Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Reprinted with permission by ming + ming

ming-cee's tools: podcasts

Jim Kwik on how to Learn Faster, Remember More & Find Your Superpower

On Purpose with Jay Shetty (Feb. 3, 2020)

This podcast helped me shift my perspective and enhance my awareness that I fight for my limitations with what I say to myself on a continual basis. Jim's personal story helped me connect to the struggle of placing limitations on my potential since I was a young child and how stereotypes of what was expected of me as child has shaped how I feel about myself today. This podcast helped me hear and further identify my negative reel.

Mel Robbins on Turning Negative Self Talk Into Positive Habits & The Truth About Manifestation

The Adversity Advantage

This podcast helps further define what the negative reel is and why it affects my daily decision and what motives my actions towards change in my life. She explains why consistently showing up is crucial and why it's important to have self compassion as you travel through this healing journey. She shares tips and practice on how to recognize, quiet down and shift your negative reel.

A quicker version of her message is at the TED Talk: How to stop screwing yourself over

How Not Being Enough is The Biggest Disease Affecting Humanity with Marisa Peer

The Mindvalley Podcast with Vishen (July 26, 2018)

This podcast helped me apply certain actions towards quieting down my negative reel. Success stories of how she helped others shift their negative reel gives me hope that all the effort is worth it and that I can be a success story too.

Reprinted with permission by ming + ming

Hi, I’m Ming-Wai and my negative reel makes me look good

I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was in high school, I stopped by the drugstore on my way home and purchased diet pills. I tried to find the most “natural” brand and I kept it a secret from everyone. It stayed in my possession for weeks unopened, I read the instruction pamphlet, and accepted that it would essentially give me diarrhea so that I would achieve my goal weight and feel better about myself. Okay, that sounded reasonable.

If you knew me in high school, you wouldn’t call me fat or unattractive. I was good in school, a cheerleader, and made friends with everyone. I always had a smile on my face and a hug to share. I achieved my goals and made people around me proud with my accomplishments. I had nothing to complain about. I was living an ideal high school existence… on the outside.

No one would have guessed that I was putting myself down every time I accomplished one of my goals. No one could hear me critiquing myself on how someone else was doing better and then spiraling into how I was a failure, a disgrace, and how I should try harder next time.

When my negative reel said “if you were only skinnier like her, then you could be happier,” I was motivated to workout, go on a diet, and buy trendy clothes. And then I would get compliments on how good I looked!

When my negative reel said “you’re probably the stupidest person in this class,” I was motivated to start studying more and focus better. And then I would get better grades and praise!

The annoying thing about my negative reel is that she made me look good to the people I wanted to impress the most. Her shit talking motivated me to work hard to achieve my goals. I was proud of that and what I was able to accomplish. I also thought that putting myself down made me work harder and gave me a competitive edge.

My negative reel wasn’t a problem for a long time because it kept me in a spiral of productivity surrounded by praise and compliments. I didn’t even “hear” her anymore because I was so invested in this identity that I had successfully cultivated and I was on auto-pilot.

It only became a problem when I was having a hard time holding it together as a 30-something career-driven mom of a baby and a very strong-willed toddler when my façade started to crack. Health issues, insomnia, and stress overload were all brushed off as “normal” but I knew deep down that I couldn’t solve my problems by doing more. I had to start doing less, letting go of pieces of my identity, and I was terrified and angry that this was the solution.

After decades of my negative reel successfully coaching me to look good in front of all the people I loved and cared about, I realized that I had trained myself to be motivated by fear, threats, and external validation.

I didn’t know how to talk to myself with kindness and support. It didn’t get me the results I was seeking fast enough. I was stretched thin and exhausted so fear and insults were the most effective way to get shit done in this dog-eat-dog world.

But letting go was the solution. It took years for me to recognize and stand up to my negative reel. It took years of working with my tools of yoga, meditation, and energetic healing to allow myself to look honestly inward and discover who the hell I really was without the noise of external validation. And I’m still working on moving forward with confidence in my new-found identity of exactly who I was meant to be in this world.

I know I’m on a long journey of self-discovery and I have my tools to support me along the way. I know that feeling uncomfortable is usually an invitation to change. And now I know that letting go of my go-go-go lifestyle is the most efficient way to getting back on track to living more authentically.

These are the truths that I come back to when my negative reel sneaks up on me (and she does so more often than I’d like to admit). The shift is that I’m not as terrified of change as I once was and I have found that living authentically feels so much better than the exhausting habit of seeking external validation.

So what ever happened with those diet pills that I bought in high school? Well, after having them for a month, I gave in to my negative reel and opened up the first pill package when I spotted the expiration date printed on it. It had expired a few months before. I took it as a sign, threw the box in the trash, and made myself promise never to buy diet pills again. It felt really good. Take that, negative reel!

do you trust yourself?

One of the very first steps in our healing journey was discovering our negative self-talk. Here at ming+ming, we call it our negative reel.

The constant repetition of doubts and fears plaguing our thoughts is what reminds us of an old fashioned movie reel. The incessant tick, tick, tick, ticking noise in the background while the film reels go around and around projecting how we view ourselves and how we think others may view us too.

With our negative reel running in the back of our minds all the time, we were unconsciously losing trust in our own abilities. We didn’t trust that we had what it takes to meet new challenges and succeed. It deprived us of our courage to take leaps of faith. It robbed us of our self worth. It created massive amounts of negative dialogue that forced us to look for external validation. It kept us stuck and eventually we lost our way because honestly, we didn’t even know we were shit talking ourselves all the time.

Deep down, we felt that something wasn’t right. But we also felt overwhelmed with our daily responsibilities and maintaining others' expectations. We were exhausted, confused, and imbalanced, leaving little energy to evaluate our situation or consider changing our routines.

It took us quite some time to even recognize our negative reels since it was a familiar voice. And it took us even longer to stand up for ourselves and tell our negative reel that we’re not buying what she’s selling anymore. In hindsight, we can now say that this step of identifying our negative reel, quieting it down, and replacing it is the crucial first step to getting unstuck.

Once we recognized our negative reel, we had to rebuild our relationship with ourselves first. We had to build a foundation of trust. It was impossible to move forward and have honest conversations with ourselves if we didn’t trust that we had our own backs.

We knew that constantly looking for others to validate our worthiness only strengthened our negative reel, leaving us feeling out of control. We recognized that the fear projected by our negative reel dictated our decisions and actions by keeping us stuck and too afraid to do anything different. And we were trying so hard to hold it all together but the emotional outbursts, physical ailments, and strained relationships were all markers that something was off.

It wasn’t until further along our healing journeys that we recognized the power of the words we say to ourselves. The voices that sounded just like our own were telling us that we weren’t good enough, no one would care, and we had run out of time to change. These messages were so embedded into our thoughts that we never questioned them as we continued to hold on to our limiting beliefs.

The fact of the matter is that change is hard and we have no control over the outcome. These two factors can make it feel nearly impossible to get off the starting block, let alone move forward with your dreams and deepest desires. And you most certainly cannot go on such a treacherous and difficult journey if your lifelong traveling companion is telling you that there’s no way you are going to make it.

We had to build that foundation of trust within ourselves since it is our own opinion that always surrounds us. We had to learn how to find that inner strength and stick up for ourselves. We had to be the one telling ourselves: there is nothing wrong with you, you can make these changes, you can do hard things and you are worth it.

It was only when we were able to replace the negative reel with loving words of encouragement and give ourselves the grace of forgiveness that we could start moving forward with our first steps to sustainable and lasting change.

Shifting our negative reel gave us the permission to try and fail. It helped us realize that we give others too much power over our thoughts and feelings. It gave us confidence that we are stronger than we know. It helped us acknowledge that deep inside we knew how to get unstuck, but the noise was so loud that it left us confused and disappointed in our progress.

If you can relate to this personal struggle, then we are here to help. Recognizing your negative reel is your first step but we know how difficult it is to differentiate your true voice from your negative reel since they usually sound the same. You are not alone - this is hard stuff - and we’re here to coach you when you’re ready.

In the meantime, keep following along with us in February to help identify your negative reel. We will be sharing personal stories and the tools we used to help recognize, understand and quiet down our negative reels.

With love,

Ming-Wai + Ming-Cee